Why Can't I be Happy?

Just don't know what it is about me. I just can't seem to find true happiness:
I tried it in school--NO LUCK.
I tried it in relationships--GET TIRED OF THE BS.
I tried to find it in religion--TOO HOKEY.
I tried it in drinking--MY POOR LIVER STILL HATES ME.
I tried it in work--GOT BORED.
I tried it in writing--NOW I JUST SOUND LIKE A BITTER OLD MAN.
I tried it through sex--MY HAND GOT TIRED.
I tried it throught music--CLEAR CHANNEL OWES IT ALL.
I tried it in comedy--GOT TIRED OF LAUGHING.
I tried it through games--LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY.
I tried it through reading--WHAT'S REALITY?
I tried it through fantasy--REALLY LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY.
I tried it with friends--WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
I tried it through movies--AFFLECK, YOU THE BOMB IN PHANTOMS, YO!
I tried it through moving--CAN'T FIND A DECENT JOB ANYMORE.
I tried it through gambling--I'M A REAL LOSER THERE.
I tried it with my family--LOVE THEM TO DEATH, BUT PLEASE STOP BITCHING.
I guess I'll have to try lot's of drugs. The only problem is that I hate weak willed people who are addicted to illicit drugs. For now I'll stick with the four I have now: nicotene, caffiene, alcohol, and good porn.