Let's see, by the time I post this, it'll be the anniversary of one of my worst mistakes.
Today would have been my 5th wedding anniversary. I joke all the time that I had a drive-by wedding. At least with the drive-by, it would have been over with quickly. I just don't understand how a woman could be so spiteful and evil as she was. She proposed to me after all. I was only married a tracig 3 months before she went back to her other way of life--Meth. It turnede me into a wreck of a man for a long time. About a year ago I found out that she never even got divorced from her first husband and had been using me for years. SHe's an evil, vindictive person. After years of trying to cope with her shit I've found that she has done this to many men before me and since me as well. Many of her former friends have been talking to me about things she had said about me. She told them that I was mean, controlling and abusive to her. Those things couldn't be further from the truth. I have never raised a hand to a woman (other than my sister when we were kids0(she'd forgiven me since) and was the most compassionate of people to her. If I had been so controlling, how was she able to leave? Because all I cared about was that she was honest to me and was there for me when I needed her just as I've always been there for her. Even after she'd put me thru Hell, I was willing to do anything for her. I told her that she had the power to destroy me and she damn near succeeded. For years I had been bottling up the anguish and bitterness she had instilled into me. Funny thing about holding that much inside, it really screws up your health. Until you learn to get rid of that hurt, it will destroy you. Beacuse of that hurt, my body was falling apart and ripping itself up. Cancer is not a fun disease, believe me. It was killing me quicker than anything else I've known. In May I was given four months without treatment and six months with. Guess what you stupid sons-of-bithces? I'm still alive and stronger than I was ever before. Me bottling up all of the hurt and the bitterness from what she had done to me had been killing me. I had talked to her several times over the years and not once had she been truthful to me. Finally when I had had enough of her shit I finally told her that I want nothing to do with her. Everyone whom she has come in contact with she has hurt and used. Part of me still cares for her, but the person I thought she was never even existed.
I do want to thank one person for giving me the strength to get better and keep going. She had shown me that I deserve someone who is honest and caring. Someone who made me get off of my ass and stand up for what is right in the world. She called me a coward when I told her I wasn't going to fight that damn disease. One thing that a man can not take is being called a coward. I want to apologize to her for having lost my temper and having siad those things to her. I lost my temper because I was afraid that she was playing me like the woman I thought I had been married to adn I'll be damned if I let anyone use me like that again. I say a lot of shit, some of it is hurtful, all of it is true, but I've never said anything meant to hurt to someone I love. Even after I left those messages to her I regretted what I had said. Not a moment has passed that I don't regret losing my temper and losing the friendship of someone like her. Not a day has gone by since the day we had met over a year ago that I haven't dreamt about her or thought about her. She gave me a medallion, becasue she loved me, and that medallion has never left it's place around my neck. Whenever I feel down all I have to do is touch it and it lets me know that no matter how bad things may get, there is always hope. I just want to tell "the midget with freckles" how much she has inspired me to keep going and thank you for giving me the strength and courage to fight with everything I have. If my "bastard son" reads this, do me a favor and take some yellow and red tulips to the person I had you deliver to before and tell her I said "thank you."