Seeing yourself through others eyes

Up until recently I refused to see myself through anothers' eyes. My older friends and family had seen a huge change in who I once was and who I was turning into, and didn't like where it was going. I figured that it is my life and I can do with it as I please. That's a truth, but it concealed a HUGE lie. It was destructive to my persona. I was becoming mean and bitter, which is something I truly am not at heart. I became an automaton, going through the motions, but never really being myself again. I never let those around me see the true person who is here, just a shell that was hardened and caustic towards those who came near me. I smoked, I drank too much, I was cruel and almost evil. But more than that, I wasn't happy with who I was.

Then one day a month or so ago, it took running into someone to make me look at myself. To quote Rollins, "I was a 'decorator.'" I was decorating everyone around me with my shit. Why did I do that? Because of failed relationships, jobs, etc.. But then I opened my eyes and saw that I once was a great person, instead of this ok person that was looking at me in the mirror. What I mean by great, not Ghandi great, but a person who at one time had the whole world at his disposal if he just would have grasped it. I don't mean that in a power-hungry way, but in a way that I could have done anything I wanted and been great at it.

What caused this downfall? One word--WOMEN. Women have always been my weakness. They make me do stupid things for the wrong reasons. When I get my heart crushed, I don't try to pick up the pieces and keep going, or find someone else to take the place. I run away and hide myself from everyone for a while. I had someone crush me way back when and it took me a while to recover fully. Then again I had someone else stomp me down about 6 years ago, took me three years to get a bit better. Then I was destroyed 3 years ago and never thought I would recover.

Then I woke up one day and realized that all of those women weren't worth it. I saw their flaws, how it was never anything I had done. I also realized that every single one of them I was trying to "save" from themselves or the world. To remake them into something that they were not. I never looked at them for who they were, but for who they could be with patience and time on my part. I would put all of myself into reconstructing them into my ideal and when they realized what I was doing, they left. From the day of my "awakening" on I have tried to find someone for them self, not who they could be. I have learned to become honest in all I do and say. To accept others, flaws and all for being my equal. I have since stopped smoking. I have become a better person for meeting this person, not because I want to impress them, but because I saw myself through their eyes. Now if I could just get this person to see them self through my eyes and see what a wonderful and charming person they really are. Only time will tell and that is something I am willing to give them.

Peace!