More Psychosis

Ok, after today I found out that:
#1. I'm depressed.
#2. I'm manic.
#3. I'm bi-polar.
#4. I don't give a shit what they think about me!!!!!!!

I really don't care for all of these labels society and psychology puts on people. Maybe I'm the normal one and everyone else out there is fucked-up. (Ok, maybe I am fucked-up). But at least I'm not killing hundreds of soldiers every week, nor am I molesting little kids, or wasting tax-payers' money.

Dunno what else to say. Maybe I should run for office, at least I'll be honest with the people and admit that I'm a nut-case.

New New Site (Damn Wimmen)

Here's a link to my site to all the girls I've loved before (sung like Julio Iglesias). I know I'm getting extra site happy, but fuck-it! If you don't like it, tough! Let me know what you all think.

Cool!!!

Let's see, I just got out of my boring assed intro to psychology class and I found out some things about myself.

#1. According to my instructor, I have an Antisocial Personality (no shit!).
#2. According to her, I have Multiple Personalities (We agree!).
and #3. I have schizophrenia.

After finding all of these things out I realized that I'm more fucked up than I thought. Why didn't anyone tell me about these things?

The characteristics for an antisocial personality are as follows: Intelligence, Charm, Charisma (which I have all of), untruthful, manipulative, thrill-seeking, and remorselessness. With these characteristics (with the exception of intelligence) you are talking about nearly every politico in existence.

Let's break these down even more so. Intelligence means that you can think and reason a little better than the norm for today's society. Charm means that you have the ability to make people like you. Charisma, you can have people do what you want them to do. Dishonesty-ok, who hasn't done something wrong in their lives? Manipulative-we all do things to get what we want, even when we say we're NOT manipulating others. Thrill-seeking--who out there doesn't want a little excitement in their lives? Remorselessness-there are times you were glad you did something bad in your life.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that most people of intelligence are sociopaths, or at least closet sociopaths. Why should we shun the average sociopath? It's because of the really fucked up ones that we get a bad name. People like Hitler, Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Charles Manson, and Jeffrey Dahmer, give us a bad name. I admit that I am a sociopath, but I'm one who doesn't hurt others, nor do I torture animals. I am what you would call a "functioning" sociopath, just like there are "functioning" alcoholics.

New feature

I've decided to do a separate post on ex-girlfriends. I'll have a new post on them every few days. I've had enough to fill up a few servers. Now if I could just find all of those pictures I had of them in compromising positions I could make a ton of money. Ok, maybe a few bucks.

I may even do a posting on my attempt at man-whoring, or at least a price-list for those that are curious.

Loving someone Vs. Being in Love with them

It's funny how some things happen in life. When I was younger, all I wanted was to be successful. Now all I want is to someday find that "special" person that can make me happy. I guess it's my own mortality catching up on me or some shit like that. The funny thing is that I can name every woman who has held a special place in my heart. I still care for all of them. So I guess you can say that I still "love" them, but I'm not "in love" with them. You can see them for who they are and could become. Loving them means that I care about what happens in their lives and that I'd still help them out if they ever asked for it. But I really hope that most of them never ask for it. It's nice to hear from someone you love, but you can get on with your day if you don't.

"Being in" love with someone is completely different, but still somewhat similar. You anticipate that everytime the phone rings, that it's them. You feel hollow without them there near you. You think about them all the time, almost an unhealthy amount of time. You only look at them in a good light, they can do no wrong in your eyes. You become blind to their faults, so much so, that when you get hurt by them you never saw it coming (even though everyone else could see it).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do love most of my exes, but am not "in love" with any of them. I had an intresting IM conversation with Ms, "No Comment" today. She tried to blame me for some of the problems she has had in her life. A former friend of hers had used my blog against her, namely to hurt her. That is not the purpose of this blog, but as a form of exorcising the demons that are inside me. Things I've had to deal with for years. Finally I have a tool that I can express myself without hurting people, but also to show others that they are not alone with how they feel about life. Nothing has changed how I feel for her. Yes I still care for her, even though she had put me through hell, but I'm not "in love" with her anymore. I wish her the best in her life, but until she learns to take responsibility for her life, she will never become worthy of me again.

Those of you that know who I'm talking about know that I will never take her back into my heart, but she will always be a part of my life. It's not an active part, but it is still a part nontheless. Don't worry she's not coming back into my life, I have too much I need to do and she'd distract me from my ultimate goal. What that goal is? I still don't know, but I do know that she'd lead me to heart-ache and pain. I wish you well in life CBR.

Man-Whoring

A funny thing happened to me the other day in class. I was telling someone how much I hate the job market down here. She turns to me and said, "Why don't you become a gigalo?" I thought that this was hilarious since there is no job market and the economy here couldn't support prostitution. I thought about it, but I realized that the women who could afford it, I would NEVER sleep with.

You see folks, if I were to become a man-whore here I'd be too damn pricey. I'd charge a couple of hundred a night (I have car payments to make and school to pay for). The most anyone here would pay would be about $20. There are few women here I'd want to sleep with and I'm not going to lower my standards, even for money.

I thought about doing it two years ago when I lived here last. I kept having problems with figuring out how I should charge. Whether it be by the inch, the hour, or the orgasm. I was talking to one of my (then) co-workers about it. She turned to me and said, "Why not a 'sliding-scale' (while grinning and winking at me)." Mind you she was very attractive, but just too young for my tastes at the time. Since then I've dated women ten years younger than myself (that I knew of). I have a hard time dating someone that young because I feel like a dirty old man (no comments from you Jerry about that). I'm too young to be a dirty old man, just a dirty old man in training. My dad can be a dirty old man, especially when we are out together, or his wife's not around. He's pretty cool about most things.

Since I've gone back to college I've realized a few things:
1. The girls didn't look this good when I was that age.
2. These girls are more aggressive.
3. Some of them are a bit more mature than I am(no big secret there).
4. Most of them have SERIOUS issues.
5. I've finally learned how to pick up on flirting.

Mind you I'm pretty clueless when it comes to women (just like most men), but some of them are just short of saying to me "I want to rock your world." I've been very repressed most of my life. I'm a one woman man (at a time at least), the only problem I don't know who that one woman is. Until I finally meet her (with my luck I'll be 90 and she'll be 17), I'm going to try to enjoy being alone.

WTF?

I read this the other day and it pissed me off. I think that this is a HUGE amount of bullshit. I can't wait until one of these whiny kids tries to get a job. I can see how it would go right now.

Manager: I thought I told you that work started at 8 am?
Duke Alum: Sorry, but I just haven't been getting enough sleep, so I decided to come in once I was rested up.
Manager: Since when is you not getting enough sleep my problem? You are to be here at 8 am, no later. Ok?
DA: Well, I'll try, but it's kinda hard for me to know if I'm rested up enough.
Manager: Tell you what. I have a way to make sure you get plenty of sleep.
DA: Really? That's wonderful, what is it.
Manager: It's called unemployment. You're fired. Enjoy your sleep.

I know that it probably wouldn't happen this way, but dammit aren't you tired of busting your ass and not getting thanks? Kids these days just don't seem to understand what it was like to live in the 70's or even the 80's. They think that they need to be pandered to.

Ok enough for now, need to go home and study for an 8 am class--bastards.
Adults (anyone over 28) let's rise up and teach these little shits what life is really about.

Work

Ok, ya'll, I've been out of a "real" job since June of last year. I finally got a "real" job again. I started on Sunday as a cook. Since I've been in the business for about 16 years now, I know a bit about cooking and how to make a restaurant successful. My biggest pet peeve is the cleanliness and service aspects. This place isn't real big or busy in my eyes. But come-on guys. You should have more service staff than kitchen staff on any given shift. We had twice as many kitchen than service on a slow night. With that many cooks, the place should have been spotless. It wasn't. There was crap ground into the floor, under tables, baked into the stove. In general it was NASTY! I've been known to eat at some pretty dirty places, but I'll never eat here.

They are trying to groom me as the new kitchen manager, but there is no way I'd do it, unless they'd give me free reign. The owner obviously doesn't care about cleanliness, otherwise it would be spotless. I don't recommend anything fried since they never clean their fryers out. At least filter them once a day. The owner won't go for filtering, they feel it's easier to just replace the oil than to filter it. I saw them throw out 4 T-Bones. At 5 bucks a pop, that's $20 they just threw away. It takes a little common sense here guys. Pretend that this is your money or your house. Keep it clean and only use what you need. Don't get wasteful. They wonder why they don't get raises. It's because all the money for raises is being thrown out.

Don't worry, this is not a chain or even a large restaurant. It's named after a successful national steak house that has a "flowery" onion. If they only had half of a clue, they could make it into something successful. Most locals I talk to won't set foot in the place after the last time they went in there. The service is horrible and the food is mediocre (the place I'm at, not the chain).

Enough for now.

100 Things

Ok, I did the damn thing.

Why Can't I be Happy?

Just don't know what it is about me. I just can't seem to find true happiness:
I tried it in school--NO LUCK.
I tried it in relationships--GET TIRED OF THE BS.
I tried to find it in religion--TOO HOKEY.
I tried it in drinking--MY POOR LIVER STILL HATES ME.
I tried it in work--GOT BORED.
I tried it in writing--NOW I JUST SOUND LIKE A BITTER OLD MAN.
I tried it through sex--MY HAND GOT TIRED.
I tried it throught music--CLEAR CHANNEL OWES IT ALL.
I tried it in comedy--GOT TIRED OF LAUGHING.
I tried it through games--LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY.
I tried it through reading--WHAT'S REALITY?
I tried it through fantasy--REALLY LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY.
I tried it with friends--WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
I tried it through movies--AFFLECK, YOU THE BOMB IN PHANTOMS, YO!
I tried it through moving--CAN'T FIND A DECENT JOB ANYMORE.
I tried it through gambling--I'M A REAL LOSER THERE.
I tried it with my family--LOVE THEM TO DEATH, BUT PLEASE STOP BITCHING.
I guess I'll have to try lot's of drugs. The only problem is that I hate weak willed people who are addicted to illicit drugs. For now I'll stick with the four I have now: nicotene, caffiene, alcohol, and good porn.

WTF is Easter?

Why does everyone go ape about Easter? I still don't get the whole relation between the Easter bunny, eggs, and the Resurrection. The whole problem is that Christianity borrows so many things from other belief structures. It's kind of funny how the church can give the exact date of Jesus' birth, but just can't quite decide on the day he died.

Christmas was chosen because it coincided with Yule. Yule was the festival of birth for the pagan beliefs. Yule occurs during the Winter Solstace and signified the "birth" of the sun (son), ie., the days getting longer. Oestra (Easter) is the festival of re-birth. It was to occur on the Spring Equinox, thus signifying the "re-birth" of the sun (son). Oestra was the pagan goddess of re-birth and fertility and her helper was a rabbit (easter bunny). He would hide eggs for luck and fertility. The pagan god was his own father and his own son at the same time. I know that this kind of dichotomy is hard for some people to understand, but you can understand that (G)od is the father of Jesus. Jesus is not only the son, but is (G)od himself.

What is ironic is that Jesus never once said he was the son of (G)od, but he never denied that he was or wasn't. According to Christian belief, we are all (G)od's children, therefore who's to say I'm not the son of (G)od? I know that some of this will piss off some people, but I feel that everyone should learn more about other faiths, and their own, before damning others.

There is a lot about the holy books that doesn't make sense to someone who has an open mind. Who wrote these books? Men did, not (G)od. Man is fallable and therefore anything he touches should be questioned. These books are nothing more than intresting stories. We all should thank Emperor Constantine for inventing this religion and all of the fables and allegories that are taught in it. Monotheism is a good concept to control a people and keep money out of the priests hands, thus eliminating corruption. Monotheism exsisted before Judaism with the Egyptians (pre-Pharonic Egypt). Nearly everything in these books exsisted in some other text or form prior to the coming of Judeo-Christianity. Take a good long look at all of the stories in the books and think about them being nothing more than literature. Step outside of what you were taught and programmed to believe and honestly ask yourself if this is truly believable?

I'm not saying that Judeo-Christianity is wrong, nor am I saying that it's right. All I'm saying is that we as human beings need to question everything before us. Life is a quest for knowledge and for seeking enlightenment. If we follow blindly, are we enlightened? Do we truly gain knowledge? When we are younger we are taught to seek the answers to our questions, but when it comes to religion the answers we recieve make no sense. We are told that Christ died for our sins. Then why should we try to live our lives without sin? It makes no sense to children and it shouldn't make sense to an adult with the ability to make their own rationalizations.

All I ask is that everyone should question everything and if the answers make no sense, then the answer is wrong.

WOW

Wow. Talk about some venom. What I'm referring to is a blog I had just read. Read it too and see what I mean. It's from a girl I had been seeing for about 2 months now.Holly and I met on my birthday 2 months ago. I realized after a while that 2 egomaniacs should never date. She has to have her way and I have to have mine. We got into an argument on Saturday on our way back from a day trip to Mexico. When she called me up wanting to go I told her that I had no cash to go. She called me back and said that if I drove she'd buy dinner. What I didn't know was that I was going to be subjected to her music on the drive back and her dancing in the car. Mind you the dancing didn't bother me, but I was having to drive on a road I've never been on before and it was a very dark and rainy night (sounds like a good start for a horror flick). Then she said something that really pissed me off. As we breezed through a Border Patrol check point, she said that maybe we should have brought back 40 pounds of pot from Mexico since they never bothered to check. Those of you who know me know how I feel about drugs. Pot wouldn't bother me if it were legal, but it's not and therefore I have nothing to do with it. I've had family members in and out of rehab most of my life. I have a very addictive personality and am hooked on 2 major drugs--nicotene and caffiene. I spent about six years looking at life through the bottom of a bottle. I got over that one, but damn I still could use a drink every now and then. I admit that I have one every now and then, but never to excess. There is not much else to do here but drink and screw (unless you like cow-tipping). Since I have no woman now, I guess it's back to drinking. Not really, I'm not going back to drinking again.

"Junior"

There was this kid I once knew when I was growing up. He was kinda non-descript, shy, quiet, and really smart. He had a hard time talking to other people, but once he got past his initial shyness, you would see he was a really good guy. I was one of the few people who was someone he could talk to. Nearly everyone picked on him because he was so "wierd." He had a hard time relating to everyone else, even to me.

As he became a teenager, he was still very reserved and tried to break-out of his shell. He got to where he got a few friends, people who acepted him for who he was, not for what was "acceptable" in school. The sad thing was that every time he tried to people laughed at him or insulted him for trying. Those people never knew how much it had hurt him inside. Eventually he got to where he was very callous and bitter. He responded to everything with sarcasm and anger, even though inside he was.still very caring. He felt that the only way that the others couldn't hurt him was by hurting them first. His friends have been there for him, even thought he turned into an asshole when he's around others. They know him for who he really is inside, even though they never see that guy anymore.

Because of him being such an introvert when he was younger, he had such a creative imagination. He is a romantic at heart and falls in love very easily. He has truly been in love four times, but still loves all of them. He is "in" love with only one of them, even though they haven't talked in over a year to each other. Every time someone would get "close" to that part of him (his heart), they would see just how different he really was. They would leave him a broken shell of a man, unable to cope with heartache and loss. After all of the pain anf heartache he decided not to let anyone close in again. He doesn't want to feel it anymore.

I've kept in touch with this kid for years and know just about everything there is to know about him. The reason why I know so much is that this kid was and is me.

Not Bitter

This is sad, I came up with this site to bitch about things and now I'verun out of most of my A list material. I guess that I'm not as bitter and angry as I thought I was. Maybe I should change the name of this blog to "Shiny,Happy Thoughts." Nah, that'll never work for me. I've never been one of those shiny, happy people that REM sung about. Then again I've never been a big fan of REM, so no wonder. They stopped being cool in the 80's (at least in my book).

I heard that Van Halen is making a comeback. I heard a rumor that they have picked yet another new singer and added a few new members to the band. In an effort to expand their fan-base, they have added another keyboardist and a sax player. Yes, you heard it here first. Eddie has decided to bring on John Tesh and Kenny G to help round out the band. In an effort to bring in more Midwestern housewives and the soft rock crowds, they are adding the lyrical stylings of none other than Michael Bolton.

Now after reading that, aren't you depressed. Good! If that were to really happen, I just may have to go "postal" at these concerts. The sad thing is that some of you out there would be happy to see such a travesty happen. Van Halen is (was) an incredible,dynamic band, but,alas, their time has passed. The aforementioned artists (I use that term loosely), have no talent whatsoever. They are the reason behind the "pussification" of our music and our country. A great man once said that we are harder than our parents generation and will be harder than our kids. We are the generation who grew up with greats like Sabbath, Maiden, Slayer, AC/DC, Megadeth and even Dio. Music like that is not being created these days,but instead is being used to make background music for new "artists." Let's bring back the good old days before Ozzy became a household name, before he was medicated. All of us 30-40 year-olds need to rise up and teach these little shits what music is all about. The stuff they call "rap" isn't even real rap. Lest we forget great artists like NWA,Public Enemy, Run-DMC, 3rd Bass, Chubb Rock, or even Chunky A. This was before the "East-Coast v. West Coast" rivalry. It was music that had a message (positive or negative), but it still had something to say.

We need music with a message, and now!!!!

That's it for now.

Last Blog

I know the last one sucked, so you don't have to comment on it.

"The Passion"

Ok, I finally saw "The Passion Of Christ." All I can say is this-I'm glad I didn't pay to see it. It was too graphic, too bloody, and it was all sub-titled.

Come on guys, I'm an American. If I want to see an arthouse flick with sub-titles, I'll see a French film, not one like this. Most of the people who have loved this film are these "holy rollers," of which I am not one. I believe in expanding your mind for the sake of learning,not watching a movie based off of the greatest lie of all time (other than Iraq having WMD's). It would have been better if you would have thrown in some Jackie Chan style fighting, or at least some dick and fart jokes. We as a people take things too far these days. The sad thing is that this movie should have recieved an NC-17 rating just based off of the violence alone. But then again we aggrandize bloodlust.

It's ok to show a murder or violence on TV and movies. Then we wonder why kids these days are killing each other. It's because what we let them watch these movie and tv shows. We are not allowed to discipline our kids today like we were disciplined for fear of having DHS called on us. The ironic thing is that these kids who are doing these things are Anglos, not black or hispanic. The reason for that is that anglo parents these days are too damn soft with their kids. To quote a great comedian, Carlos Mencia, "White people, beat your fucking kids."

Boredom

Not a whole hell of a lot has been going on lately. I've spent the last few days studying and putting all of my CD's on HD. I get really, really bored lately. There is not much to do around the house once I take care of the basic cleaning duties. I've decided that it's time for me to start a cult. Why not? I don't know what our basic premise will be, but what the hell, it could be worse, I could try to found Catholicism. No wait, that's already been done.

What would be a good thing to do for tonight? I dunno. I'm sitting here watching my favorite TV show-Red Dwarf. It's an BBC2 sci-fi comedy. This show cracks me up. For those of you who have never seen it, here's a brief synopsis of the premise behind it. It takes place 3 million years in the future. The last human, a hologram of his dead bunkmate, something that evolved from the ships' cat, and a senile, half-wit computer. I know when I said it's a sci-fi comedy, you think I'm nuts. But when was the last time you've seen a sci-fi comedy? Probably never before. The cast has been around in American movies and televison shows. The human is an actor named Craig Charles (Robot Wars(UK)). The cat is Danny John-Jules (Little Shop of horrors, Lock, stok and two smoking barrels, Blade2, and Labrynth). The hologram is Chris Barrie (Splitting Image and Tomb Raider movies). These actors are brilliant. Moreso, I think that the writing is something that main-stream Americans have missed out on.

In a society where we over-gloiry violence, this show is a fresh breath of air. There is hardly any violence (what there is is comical and done in good taste) and no profanity. I know, me liking a show without profanity--Scary.

That's one of the worst things in American society. We Overglorify violence and are terrified of nudity. It's ok to show a murder and mass violence on televison here, but heaven-forbid if you see a nipple. The human body is not something we should be censoring, but should be embracing our own humanity. Our television standards are barbaric. We are supposed to live in the "land of the free," but we can't talk about sex, a natural process, on the radio or on television. Thanks to the narrow-minded people who run our media, our freedoms are being taken away slowly. We are so damn apathetic that no one will do anything to stop it. First they take away our First Amendment rights, then they next thing you know that our Fourth Amendment rights will be suspended. Eventually we will all be mindless automotons, at the mercy of the will of the government.

I'm not saying that the government is a bad thing, but we need to change some things about our society in general. Where are the great leaders of our day? Is there no one out there who is willing to shoulder the burden of bringing our country out of the mire we exist in today? Where are the great men of conscience today? I'm afraid that these traits are being bred out of our gene-pool. Instead we allow a man who was a C student and had a criminal record to run our country. Why did this happen? Because we are lazy as a people.

Bad Attitude

Some people out there claim that I have a "bad attitude." All I can tell those people is that in order to say I have a bad attitude, you must be one of those lute, perpetually happy people. These people NEED to be medicated, or they already are heavily medicated. A bad attitude is not a bad thing. It shows that you have experienced life.

Most of these simps are too damn optimistic. I've always been told to never trust someone who smiles all the time. The reason, you never know what they are planning behind your back. The terminally cheerful need to be just that-terminal. Let's put these people out of our misery.

Sure, I have good days and am in a good mood, but not every fucking day. Those of you who know me, know that I may be surly, but at least it's a good and funny surly. Not everything needs to be looked at from a point-of-view of good vs. bad. Maybe I'm just naturally this way, or it's because I need to up the meds (namely caffeine and nicotene).

Those people out there that are happy because of medication, I have one thing to say to you-"Try to live life naturally, without the drugs, you loser!" I for one have been this way all my life and I like it this way. You know that my feelings and emotions are raw and unchecked, but not chemically induced. I would be boring if I were one of you homogenized, cookie-cutter zombies. Look at music for example--it's too damn plain. That's out society in a nutshell--if you don't fit in, there must be something wrong with you. I say if you don't fit in, you are an individual and are cool because of it.

Then again there is the opposite. There are some of you out there who are more fucked up than I am. For a while you are cool, but then it gets REAL old. I have a few associates who are more outrageous than I am and even a few friends. But there are very few of these people in my life. Mainly because I prefer to be the one who is "nuts" and has a "bad attitude."

Ok, that's it for now. I managed on getting out of doing a written journal for English class by using my blogs. Damn, I'm good at schmoozing people!